Tuesday, October 31, 2006

مين طائفي اكثر؟ جماعة الثامن من آذار او الرابع عشر منه؟

مين طائفي اكثر؟ جماعة الثامن من آذار او الرابع عشر منه؟
بقلم مجهول خطير، جَنّ ورح يفوّتنا بالحيط

حزب الله ليس طائفياً لأنو الشيعة منفتحين اكثر من السنة وما عندهم التعصب تبع اهل السنة. بالاضافة الى ذلك الشيعة متبنيين المقاومة. ايه يعطيعهم الف الف عافية لأنّو المقاومة ما كان حدن متبنيها من قبل بلبنان. اما حركة امل، فهي بالواقع تيار ليبرالي في كنف الطائفة الشيعية.

وفي ما خصّ الطائفة السّنية الكريمة فلا مجال للشّك: السّنة خونة ويريدون السلام مع وعلى اسرائيل اليوم قبل بكرا.

اما المسيحيين، فأعوذ بالله! هول ما بيعرفوا شو يعني الطائفية.... يمكن جزء صغير منهم متل جماعة سمير جعجع طائفيين، بس الجنرال وجماعته: ابداً! برافو جنرال (على فكرة سليمان فرنجية ما عندو فكرة شو يعني طائفية اصلاً).

تحية اكبار الى السياسي الفذ الوزير الياس المر...

شو يعني سنّي بيروتي اصيل؟ يعني واحد ما بدّو شيعة ببيروت. نود لفت النظر انّو في سنّة يالجنوب (صيدا مثلاً) وفي الشمال (حيث لا يوجد شيعة) وبالجبل وبالبقاع ووو...

والدروز!!!! الدروز كتير منهم اشتراكيين تقدميين ماشيين على تعاليم كمال بك جنبلاط. يا اخي شو هي تعاليم كمال بك جنبلاط؟ في مجال حدن يعطينا ملخّص عنها (يمكن استثناء تعاليمه عن طب الأعشاب وفوائد عشبة القمح...). اما بالنسبة الى الدروز الغير اشتراكيين، فمعظمهم من اتباع سمو الأمير بكاء على الطلال ارسلان...  

يرجى من الاخوان الارمن ان يتذكروا دورهم في الوطن بين الحين والآخر...

مين بعد في؟؟؟؟؟ السريان... انا شخصياً بحبهم.


Monday, October 16, 2006

انا ضد حزب الله

انا ضد حزب الله
بقلم مجهول


انا
ضد حزب الله. الله يعطيهن العافية والله يرحم كل مين مات، بس انا ضد حزب الله.

برافو خالد حدادة، اكيد الحزب الشيوعي مع المقاومة ضد اسرائيل، ومع المقاومة ضد الحكومة. ممتاز، بس انا ضد اسرائيل مع الحكومة ضد خالد حدادة بس مع خالد حدادة ضد حزب الله. شوف كيف بدّك تحلها.

انا مع كل ما تبقى من علمانيين ضد كل ما تبقى من قوميين عرب، وذلك الى آخر علماني، وحتى لو كان هيدا العلماني هو النائب الفذ هادي حبيش (مواليد القبيات، 1976).

سؤال لكل شيعي: شو رأيك بفرق الموت الشيعية بالعراق؟

هلق سؤال ممحون لحزب الله وجماعته: شو الألوان التي حتستعمل في اعادة دهن داون تاون ضاحية عند الانتهاء من تشييدها؟ رجاءً الابتعاد عن الألوان الفارسية، وبالأخص اي رسمات لأحصنة راكضة.

على فكرة وابوها، انا كمان بدّي اطلب من السيد حسن اكبر صاروخ نصرالله اذا في مجال يبعتلي شي كيلوت من عندو حتى اتبارك فيه! شو هيدي الهبلة اللي اخذت عبايته احسن مني؟؟

هلق رجاءً: كلّ انسان مقتنع انو حزب الله ما بدّو دولة اسلامية بلبنان يلبس تنورة وينزل عالضاحية. او اذا بدّو ما نكون سخيفين، بركي بيحمل شي كم فكرة غريبة، مثل الزواج المدني مثلاً (وما ارحم الزواج المدني امام زواج المتعة) وبينزل بهالافكار عالضاحية، او على جريدة الاخبار بقيادة ابراهيم الأمين وجوزيف سماحة.

طيّب، انا اليوم اصبحت اكيداً انّو ميشال عون لمّا عقد اتفاقه الشهير تبع "اورانج زائد اصفر بساوي انا الرئيس" مع السيّد حسن امرنا للعشر سنين الجايين، انا اكيد انّو الجنرال عرض واصر انّو في شباب بالطيار الوطني الحر بدّن ينزلوا عالجنوب ويقاتلوا ضد اسرائيل، ولكن الشاطر حسن قللوا للجنرال انّو معليش خليهن بالاشرفية، اصلاً هم بضللن خايفين.

ختاماً، تخيّلوا احمدي نجاد لابس سترينغ احمر، او بعد اسوأ: كرافات!

هلق تخيلوا هادي حبيش لابس اجمدي نجاد.

وما بعد الختام، حكمة: في مرّة كنت عم فسّر لواحد ليش اذا بتكب شي عن العالي، هالشي بيوصل لسرعة ماكسيموم وما بيعود في يسرّع وذلك بسبب العلاقة بين الوزن والسرعة القصوى. بتعرف هالواحد شو قال لي؟ قال لي: "ايه خيي، هيدا رأيك، بس انا اظن انّو..." شو يتظنّ يا اخو الشرموطة؟؟؟ هيدا علم الفيزيا مش وليد عيدو! يعني ما في انت شو رأيك وخلّينا نستشير شربل ونشوف اذا ملحم بيعرف شي عن الموضوع! هيدا علم! ولك انّو شو بدّو يكون رأيك؟؟ انّو الجاذبية بتشدّ طلوع؟؟

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وفي النهاية، الى اللقاء.
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كثُرَت النقاط وقلّت الحروف
...وما زال حسنٌ...... يأكل الحووف...
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وانا عم باكل خرى.


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

On-Bernard Lewis

Ladies and Gentlemen,
 
This morning I found myself reading a lecture that Professor Bernard Lewis gave on board of a boat. Yes on board of a boat. Apparently in the US universities have so much money that they actually take their professors on a cruise when they have lectures. On the boat Professor Bernard Lewis delivered a short lecture on Islam and democracy. I must admit that I know so much more on Islam today thanks to Professor Lewis. However, I cannot but point to certain issues raised and discussed by Professor Bernard Tizi. Have the patience to read my comments. Thank you.
 
Bernard Lewis tackles the issue of “Modernization and Nazi and Soviet Influence” on Islam / Arabs


What?? Nazi influence? Where? Muslim societies? How the fuck did he come up with that? I mean please, a little history for you Cleveland E. Dodge Professor Emeritus of Near Eastern Studies at Princeton University Mr. Bernard Lewis:
 
1)  Nazi occupation of Syria (and Lebanon) (and influence?): June 1940 – June 8, 1941. The Germans did not even invade the area. They just conquered France and gained its colonies. So basically the forces in control of Syria and Lebanon were French and were not Nazi. They were just Vichy, and that means that they were simply losers without an ideology. In June 1941 the Allies invaded Syria and Lebanon via Palestine and it was all over. Ze Germans, who happened to be Nazis at that time, were hardly ever present in this part of the world, so where the fuck did the Nazi influence come from Mr. Lewis??
 
2)  Nazis in North Africa: This is my all-time favourite episode of the Second World War (stinky white Europeans with maps, motorcycles and planes getting lost in the desert and bumping into each other with Indian and African troops running behind them). OK. The history of the war: September 1940 the Italians attack Egypt (the Italians never won a war in their life by the way) from Libya. Italy had invaded Libya much earlier in the 20th century and was happy controlling a desert land with tribes that were still discovering fire from a lighter. Of course the Italians failed miserably and in February 1941 Hitler sent Rommel with his Afrika Korps to help the spaghetinos. Rommel was a man of great talent who liked to watch Tom & Jerry cartoons and employ their tactics to fight the Brits. Monty, who commanded the Brits, was more fond of Droopy the Dog. So the war raged for a couple of years, both sides using inflatable kawchouk tanks, wooden canons and plane engines fixed on trucks to propel sand. Had the war continued as such the Playstation would have been invented long time ago. In October 1942 the Battle of el Alamein puts an end to the Afrika episode and by early 1943 Rommel and the spaghetinos were out of Afrika (the name of a film). Nazi influence over North Afrika: none (as zi germanz spent most of their time playing in the sand).
 
3)  Nazis in Iraq: Ze Germanz never invaded Iraq. It was always under the control of the Brits. However, in May 1941, a little rebellion broke out in Mosul. The rebellion was led by a certain Mh’d Ali al Kilani who was shooting Indian troops left and right. The Brits were really annoyed at this, especially that this crazy Iraqi was close to the oil fields. Two weeks into the fighting ze Germanz decide to help the crazy AyRab and send a couple of planes from Vichy-controlled Syria over Iraq to throw tomatoes at the Indians. One Indian soldier is killed by a British Officer on a bike who was looking at the planes, and one British officer got his collar stained with red tomato juice. So the Brits get very pissed-off, decide that enough with the Indians, abd they send their own troops hiding in armour and put an end to the Kilani revolt. Nazi influence in Iraq: two weeks from the air.
 
4)  Nazi influence in Palestine: Palestine has always been under British occupation. In the Second World War the Nazis could not get anything there. But, there is a german connection. Actually, Palestine has been blessed with a man called Jamil Husseini. This guy was the grand mufti of Jerusalem. He had the natural talent to cause harm to his people even if he didn’t want to. In 1938 he decided that he was going to protect Palestine from the Jewish inflow. So, being the genius that he is, he went to Germany to see Hitler, and asked him if he could not find some place for those Jews in Germany. Akid Hitler was glad to receive such an idiot in 1938 and told him inno he will do his best. Indeed he did. The Jews and the Americans still hold this against the Palestinians to this very day. Nazi influence in Palestine: sending 2 million Jews to Palestine.
 
Where did Bernard Lewis get the Nazi influence from then? No idea. The only possible examples of Nazi influence could be found in Lebanon, and many of you know them: Pierre Gemayel (founder of Bayern Bikfaya football club, aka Hizb el Kataeb el Loubnaniya, arnabita) and Antoun Saadeh (an eccentric who ate aubergines for breakfast).  
 
Why did he need to speak about Nazis? Well simply because he needed to equate them with the Soviets (both “bad”, c’est tout ce qu’il sait faire comme il est un produit de l’
US de la guerre froide) and then suddenly make the conclusion about arab and muslim regimes:
 
“The adaptation from the Nazi model to the communist model was very simple and easy, requiring only a few minor adjustments. That is the origin of the Baath Party and of the kind of governments that we have been confronting in the Middle East in recent years.”


I know 12-year-old children who know the origins of the Baath more critically than Bernard Lewis.

 
Bernard Lewis on Wahhabism and Oil

“…in the mid-1920s when two things happened: The local tribal chiefs of the House of Saud – who had been converted since the 18th century to the Wahhabi version of Islam – conquered the holy cities of Mecca and Medina With that, this extremist sect (the pampers club, ie Wahabis) found itself not only in possession of Mecca and Medina, but also of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice.… The other important thing that happened – also in the mid-20s – was the discovery of oil…. As a result, what would otherwise have been a lunatic fringe in a marginal country became a major force in the world of Islam.”



Kiss ikhtak shou 7asoud. Inno da2it bi 3aynak hal shwayyit petrol… Trikna nithanna bi shi… “lunatic fringe” and “beyond the dreams of avarice”… Leik Bernard, ana I also have a story: In 1492 an idiot decided to board a boat and go in circles around planet Earth (or was he going in straight lines back and forth as the earth was still flat at that time?). The idiot’s name was Columbus (later to become a TV star with his own detective show). In the middle of his trip this idiot made a wrong turn and bumped into a continent, caused the death of millions of people whom he thought were Indians (turns out they were not) who did not fight him back because they thought he was a baby seal… as a result, what would otherwise have been a lunatic fringe in a marginal (see unknown) continent became a major force in the world of the infidels…



Bernard Lewis on the Iranian Revolution



“In addition to the rising spread of Wahhabism, I would draw your attention to the Iranian Revolution of 1979. The word “revolution” is much misused in the Middle East; it is used for virtually every change of government.”



I must agree with him on this one: Cedar Revolution being one example (in reality it was originally planned as a marathon but there was a big conspiracy and the Syrians ended up leaving Lebanon). The revolution of Kamal Jumblat in 1958 being another example (it was just a big fight over election results, all things returning to normal after a friendly settlement) and to piss some people-off I will even say that Tanios Chahine had no fucking clue what he was doing. Why don’t we make T-shirts with ictures of Tanios Chahine on them?







Bernard Lewis on everyone’s favourite topic: Iraq

“Because remember, they have no experience, and therefore no understanding, of the free debate of an open society. What we see as free debate, they see as weakness, fear and division. Thus they prepare for the final victory, the final triumph and the final jihad.”

Eh mazbout. Ayri fik wou kiss immak.



“Don't be misled by what you read in the media about Iraq. The situation is certainly not good, but there are redeeming features in it. The battle isn't over. It's still very difficult. There are still many major problems to overcome. There is a bitter anti-Western feeling which derives partly and increasingly from our support for what they see as tyrannies ruling over them. It's interesting that pro-American feeling is strongest in countries with anti-American governments.”



Bi rabbak ya ibn el alf sharmouta, inno inta you see them differently than how we see them, please tell me what do you see??? Enlightened liberals who care about the poor and the environment????



Bernard Lewis: The Conclusion



“I think that the effort is difficult and the outcome uncertain, but I think the effort must be made. Either we bring them freedom, or they destroy us.”



Inno the Shiites and the fucking Kurds in Iraq could not live without freedom! NO NO NO!!! They had to ask for freedom! I can’t breath I need freedom!!! Please George give me freedom!!! Ya ibn el sitteen sharmouta, ma ken fik totlob shi akhaf min el freedom??? Ma ken fik totlob Budwiser Light masalan??? Inta sheyif shou 3am ye7ki Bernard Lewis??? Ya freedom ya 2al ni7na min nik ikhton… ana ya sa7bi khayfen ma y2oumo la yjiboulna freedom, wou la nik ikhton, shakilna 7a yjiboulna shi 3a shkelit saddam bas mitweli, wou 3a fawa2a hinné illi 7a yniko ikhtna…